The Tattoo That Changed It All

At this time last year, I was at a creative retreat down in this little artsy town on the Texas/Mexico border called Marfa with my new friends. We were a couple of days into this retreat and I was feeling more creatively fulfilled than I had in many months after a variety of photography, healing, business and art classes. My friends and I were sitting at a table waiting for our tacos when we decided it'd be fun to get flash tattoos. There was a local artist offering scratch-and-poke tattoos for like $45 and we were intrigued.

So the night before we left, we took turns laying on the table in the small art gallery while we got inked. I only have one other small tattoo and planned it for a few months so getting a flash tat felt a bit impulsive, but I still really wanted to do it. I’d been wanting another one for a couple of years now so it seemed like the perfect time: I was with my friends and it would forever bond us to the incredible experience that brought us all together. Excitement rushed through me (as well as a few nerves) as the simple artwork I loved was drawn into my forearm, one dot at a time.

We celebrated with burritos and colas afterward and went to bed that night a little amped up. But, as I laid down to sleep - panic set in. I started having an anxiety attack as I battled my mind asking what did I just do? Why did I get a tattoo in such an obvious place? Why didn’t I hide it on my ribs or get something small like the other girls? What would my clients think? My family? It’s on my arm and everyone will see it every time I lift an arm to take a photo! Why didn’t I wait until I planned something with more depth?

Now if you have a lot of tattoos, you’re probably rolling your eyes at this. But this was my experience and I was anxious AF. I tried breathing exercises to slow my heart rate and focused on simple meditative mantras to chill my brain out, but it wasn’t working. I couldn’t figure out how I was so excited about my new tattoo, yet freaking the hell out about it so intensely at the same time. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I texted my husband and my sisters, who were fast asleep on the other side of the country. By the early morning hours, my sisters all responded with warm, supportive thoughts that calmed me down enough to finally fall asleep for a couple of hours.

As I woke up to head to the airport, my head felt heavy and groggy and I couldn’t sort my thoughts out. I was sharing a room with my friend and she noticed me struggling and came and sat down on the bed next to me.

When I opened up to her about my night of anxiety, Karen listened quietly and then asked me a simple question, “are you afraid of being seen?” Her question stopped me in my tracks completely. In that moment, it dawned on me that that was exactly it. The tears started pouring down my face. “Yeah. I didn’t realize it before, but I think I am. I hate having the attention on me.", I responded, flashing back to isolated moments in my childhood, teens and even my adulthood where I’ve avoided the limelight and shrink myself down so that the attention stays off of me. I thought about how as a youth, I was constantly being told to hide what I was wearing or watch what I was saying or who I was being seen with because of what people (in the church) might think of me. I thought about how as a female, my grandpa would brush past my turn at the table to all the male cousins when talking about our current careers, ambitions or college classes. I thought about how my other grandpa would tell me I looked like a boy any time I got my haircut as a child and how my friend’s uncle said we had to wear shirts over our swimsuits so the men wouldn’t be tempted to look. I always needed to hide myself. Not draw attention. I remembered being dragged out of high-school dances and movies because “what if the people at church found out what I was doing?” I remembered in elementary when my best friend brought to my attention that I didn’t have anything “name brand” in my closet of hand-me-downs and when a couple kids at school claimed I had an eating disorder because of my small size. Or as an adult when I get called out anytime the topic of weight comes up for being a twig. The list went on and on as all the times I felt like I had to minimize myself to keep negative attention off of myself.

“I feel like I see you working so hard and you’re so good at what you do, but you hold back like you don’t want attention on you. Getting this tattoo is a brave move for you and it’s going to be noticed and draw attention to you. You’re going to be seen and maybe that feels scary to you. You decided you wanted to do something yesterday and you did it. That was brave. This tattoo is like your brave button and each time you look at it, you can be reminded of the courageous person you are, who deserves to be seen.”

In that moment, you guys, I felt SO understood. As I talked to my friend and sisters more throughout the day, my anxiety disappeared, clarity appeared and I literally could feel peace coursing through my body. It was like the little girl inside of me had been set free as I finally gave her permission to do what she wants, when she wants without fear of judgement. As I got home from the trip that night, I immediately started writing about it in my journal, knowing that this story would be one of my most important stories about growth. I knew that this tattoo represented a piece of my heart story and that I owed it to my inner child to share with others the gift of feeling seen, heard and valued.

I know that my portrait photography sessions will empower others to look at themselves in a way they haven’t seen themselves before. I know that there will be some who have hidden from the camera for years who will feel that same scared, vulnerability that can come with putting yourself in front of the lens and I know that I will be able to offer them a safe place to sit with those feelings and to document them in a way that shows their heart in the most beautiful way. I know from client testimonials that there will be some who also feel their hurt inner child released as she finally can see herself as beautiful for the first time in her life, as she looks at the portraits of herself.

My simple tattoo holds a world of meaning to me and because I’ve activated my “brave button” and learned how to build my brand from this heart story, I now can bring so much more intention and purpose to my personal portrait sessions with you.

So I ask you now, are you ready to be seen?

xo